Jef’s NAMM 2017 guitar predictions
It's almost like I made it all up!
It is that time of year again! There’s less than a week to go until the biggest music equipment show of the calendar. I thought I would stun you all with my guitar predictions, ‘Mystic Meg’ style. Here I reveal to you all exactly what the big manufacturers have in store for us at NAMM 2017.
And if even any, and I mean any, of this is correct or even vaguely in the same ballpark as what actually gets released at NAMM 2017 then I want full credit…
Line 6
Line 6 will release something digital that sounds even better than any of their other digital recreations of valve amps. This new ‘firmware’ update will then have an added V2 or an X slapped on it. This will, of course, have guitar forums across the planet descending into ‘all-out flame wars’ as one forum member remarks that they cannot hear any difference at all compared to previous editions of said digital recreations and that ‘the clean sound’ is still sounding quite digital and the overdrive sounds wrong.
Orange
The UK based company famed for making guitar and bass amplifiers will release a limited edition version of one of their amps. And guess what? It won’t be orange coloured. So if you’re quick and buy this very limited edition model, you can own an amp that says it is orange but is in fact green, purple or perhaps even red, thus confusing all your non-musician friends and family who come to visit your home and see it sat in your ‘man cave’.
Marshall
Marshall will finally release a hand-wired, boutique, vintage correct, hot-rodded Plexi amp clone, and call it something that’s a mix of Brown Eye and Pink Taco. Or something.
Fender
Fender will make a signature model guitar for a guitarist that has been dead for at least 20 years. It will, of course, be made to their exact specifications. These details were obtained exclusively by a Fender Custom Shop Master Builder during a seance that was held at Fender HQ and will include a ‘Certificate Of Authenticity’ to prove that it is “the real deal.”
Gibson
Kalamazoo’s finest will release a Custom Shop ’59 Les Paul Standard that is so breathtakingly authentic and exact that all the original Gibson ’59 Les Paul Standards left on the planet will just promptly turn to dust en mass in shame.
PRS
Paul Reed Smith will make a pre-factory hand-carved Custom 24 that has been subjected to ‘relic’ treatment. This will mean that on the back of the body the guitar has a slight ‘fingernail’-sized indentation. PRS fanboys around the globe will be up in arms and dismiss it as heresy!
Boss
The Japanese pedal firm will make a WazaCraft version of the HM-2, Black Metal fans will burn churches in its glory and bask in the flames.
ZVex
Zachary Vex will make an ‘Orgone Accumulator’ out of a tea candle, an old sardine can and a piece of twine. No one will know exactly what it does or how Zachary made it. But with it’s hand-painted one of a kind limited edition sparkle paint job, it’ll make you feel much greater…
Vox
Vox will make an amp so ‘chimey’ that it will strip the enamel off your teeth at twenty paces and the only hope you can have to soak up some of that chime is to wear the ‘included in the price’ pair of tone clogs.
Ibanez
Ibanez will release a guitar with an actual name and not a single code or reference to RG anywhere in the title. Godzilla will awaken from his slumber (like a radioactive Kraken hungover on saké) from underneath Fukushima and destroy the Ibanez factory for dishonouring the gods of shred.
Dunlop
The Dunlop management team will have a meeting and decide to release a groundbreaking new signature wah-wah pedal, that has an EQ with mid boost function, yawn…
Okay, there you have my predictions for NAMM 2017! Remember: you read it here first!
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